epiphany
Pronunciation: \i-ˈpi-fə-nē\
an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure.
I love having epiphanies! It happens to me all the time. I hear something I've heard a million times before, but all of a sudden, this particular time, God chooses to reveal some glimpse of truth that I had always missed. The only problem with epiphanies, at least for me, is that I always want to share them, but I can never explain them in a way that gives much meaning for anyone else. What is a wonderful discovery for me, seems rather obvious as I relate it to others. However, I've chosen to share a recent enlightment anyway. If nothing else you'll have the pleasure of saying, "Well, duh..."
I was listening to the radio the other day and the song "Heart of Worship" came on. I've heard and sung this song so many times that I normally would not pay much attention, but this time a lyric jumped out at me and started me thinking: "Longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless your heart..." I wondered when was the last time I had a true desire to bless the heart of God. I have definitely desired a closer relationship, I have hungered for intimacy with God, I have been compelled to worship and praise Him, but why? Because these things bless me? Now that I think about it, my motivation for almost everything I do in my Christian walk is possibly in order to receive blessings. It's not a conscious thought, but it's still there. I started wondering what would happen if I began to make it a continual prayer that every choice I make would be pleasing to God; would bless Him even. Then I related my relationship with God to the parent-child relationship. Children are born selfish and dependant, but they develop a desire to please the one who meets their needs. Can we develop a desire to please God, or is that longing already within us? Because we were created to be in a relationship with God is it possible that we have an innate need to please Him? Is it also possible that neglecting that need can create a serious sense of dissatisfaction? Just in case, my new mantra is "Father, how can I please you today?" Well, duh...
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Psalms 103:1
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
You can have my heart, if you don't mind broken things
"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace. Honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are saved sinners. There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are." -Brennan Manning
Like many creative people, I struggle with perfectionism. Not just in the things I do creatively, but in my expectations of myself as a person. Even though I know it's not possible and that trying is completely self-defeating, I still often expect myself to be perfect. Which, of course, means I'm often dissapointed. Not only have I tried to be perfect, I have tried desperately and to no avail, to hide the fact that I'm anything but. In the past I have worked under the misconception, one that still tends to rear it's ugly head, that as a Christian I shouldn't let others see my struggles or my flaws. Who would want to be a Christian if it means you yell at your husband or almost never do laundry? Who wants to hear that being a Christian doesn't mean you only feel joy and no sorrow? The truth is that it's because I'm broken that I need God. I'm not perfect, but I'm so very loved. And He doesn't love me because of who I am, but because of who He is. Knowing that there is not one thing I can do to earn His love, but that I already have it, allows me to let Him hold me when I'm broken. When I just rest with Him; stop trying so hard and let my tears become prayers, I am amazed at the way He loves me. And even in the midst of sorrow, I feel joy and I feel loved.
...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26
Like many creative people, I struggle with perfectionism. Not just in the things I do creatively, but in my expectations of myself as a person. Even though I know it's not possible and that trying is completely self-defeating, I still often expect myself to be perfect. Which, of course, means I'm often dissapointed. Not only have I tried to be perfect, I have tried desperately and to no avail, to hide the fact that I'm anything but. In the past I have worked under the misconception, one that still tends to rear it's ugly head, that as a Christian I shouldn't let others see my struggles or my flaws. Who would want to be a Christian if it means you yell at your husband or almost never do laundry? Who wants to hear that being a Christian doesn't mean you only feel joy and no sorrow? The truth is that it's because I'm broken that I need God. I'm not perfect, but I'm so very loved. And He doesn't love me because of who I am, but because of who He is. Knowing that there is not one thing I can do to earn His love, but that I already have it, allows me to let Him hold me when I'm broken. When I just rest with Him; stop trying so hard and let my tears become prayers, I am amazed at the way He loves me. And even in the midst of sorrow, I feel joy and I feel loved.
...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26
Thursday, February 26, 2009
They will know we are Christians by our love
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35
A while back I was at work, and a man entered the bank and approached me. It was cold outside and it looked like he had several layers of clothing on and the hood of his jacket was pulled tight around his face. He was breathing really hard and I wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or nervousness. He asked me if I could give him cash for some loose change and although I wasn't really supposed to, I said I would. As I was counting his change, which was mostly pennies, we began to talk. He told me that he had recently been released from prison and that he had not been able to find a job. He had stayed with family until they asked him to leave and since then he and a couple of friends had been staying in his car and were almost out of gas. He seemed so broken and lost and although he had a tear tattoo, which I thought might have meant he had killed someone, something in his eyes was just crying out for someone to love him and I was immediately overwhelmed with compassion. I didn't feel any fear at all...I wasn't searching my mind for the perfect thing to say...I was just calm. I just listened as he talked. I told him to hang on and promised him that it would get better. I never mentioned God or said I was a Christian, but toward the end of our conversation the man said to me, "I believe in God...I don't know much about Him, but I believe in Him." The only response I could come up with was, "He loves you, and you're going to be okay." I felt that the man didn't see me at all, but that he definitely recognized God's love when he saw it. I went to my purse and got 20 dollars and gave it to the man. He shook his head and said he never thought he would be in this position, so I told him that one day he would be in a position to help someone else and to pass it on. He promised that he would.
God showed me in such a clear and profound way that it's not what we say, but what we do that matters and that the challenge of loving other people, even when they're unlovable, is easier when you let His love flow through you. In fact, that's the only way it can be done. I have no idea what impact this encounter had on the man, but it affected me deeply and I'm so grateful for the experience. God is so good!
Lord, thank you for loving me! Help me love others and help me stand out of the way for you to love others through me. Amen
A while back I was at work, and a man entered the bank and approached me. It was cold outside and it looked like he had several layers of clothing on and the hood of his jacket was pulled tight around his face. He was breathing really hard and I wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or nervousness. He asked me if I could give him cash for some loose change and although I wasn't really supposed to, I said I would. As I was counting his change, which was mostly pennies, we began to talk. He told me that he had recently been released from prison and that he had not been able to find a job. He had stayed with family until they asked him to leave and since then he and a couple of friends had been staying in his car and were almost out of gas. He seemed so broken and lost and although he had a tear tattoo, which I thought might have meant he had killed someone, something in his eyes was just crying out for someone to love him and I was immediately overwhelmed with compassion. I didn't feel any fear at all...I wasn't searching my mind for the perfect thing to say...I was just calm. I just listened as he talked. I told him to hang on and promised him that it would get better. I never mentioned God or said I was a Christian, but toward the end of our conversation the man said to me, "I believe in God...I don't know much about Him, but I believe in Him." The only response I could come up with was, "He loves you, and you're going to be okay." I felt that the man didn't see me at all, but that he definitely recognized God's love when he saw it. I went to my purse and got 20 dollars and gave it to the man. He shook his head and said he never thought he would be in this position, so I told him that one day he would be in a position to help someone else and to pass it on. He promised that he would.
God showed me in such a clear and profound way that it's not what we say, but what we do that matters and that the challenge of loving other people, even when they're unlovable, is easier when you let His love flow through you. In fact, that's the only way it can be done. I have no idea what impact this encounter had on the man, but it affected me deeply and I'm so grateful for the experience. God is so good!
Lord, thank you for loving me! Help me love others and help me stand out of the way for you to love others through me. Amen
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